No one would ever tell you to write out of fear (except maybe Stephen King), but for much of my life I wrote, or rather didn’t write, because of fear.
As a kid growing up in the Midwest, I had many answers to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Wanting to be a veterinarian or archaeologist were safe things to admit. Things people would understand. But I had something else buried deep in the hidden part of my heart. A longing I was too afraid to voice.
I wanted to be a writer.
I didn’t talk about it because somehow I knew I wouldn’t be any good at it. Oh yeah, I had words flowing through my head, but those words said I couldn’t possibly succeed at the one thing I wanted most.
Back then, I didn’t know God, so I didn’t understand that He often gives us the desire to do something for a reason. Because really, if God is going to give somebody a gift, why not give them the desire to use it?
For most of my life, I didn’t write at all. When I did, it felt like something I did solely because I wanted to. Kind of like singing. I love to sing, but I’m honest enough to admit there’s a reason nobody is asking me to join the church choir.
So, my writing journey has been a story of fear.
Fear of failure
Fear of rejection
Fear of messing up my calling
In college, I turned to science, which I still love, because the fear of rejection there is minimized. No gray areas. No artistic opinions. Data doesn’t care if you express its nuances well.
After getting my geology degree, I went to work as a Research Geologist. I loved my job, but I felt like I had left an entire side of my brain on autopilot. Then I became a Christian, and I saw the world through different eyes. Finally, the voices in my head had a focus. They had something meaningful to say. The words flowed out of me like a heavenly downpour soaking the page.
But these new voices didn’t silence the established critical voice in my head—the one that kept screaming I would never be a writer. I would fail.
Hunched over the computer, typing away, I drowned out the critical voice by listening to God’s voice. He told me with each word I typed that I already was a writer.
The fear doesn’t go away, but I get to choose what I do with the fear. I can let it paralyze me or I can let it bring me closer to God.
I freak out—because an editor passes on my manuscript.
I turn to Him.
I freak out—because the author who said he would endorse my book never contacts me again.
I turn to Him.
I freak out—because this is my first published book and what if nobody likes it?
I turn to Him.
Every day, I make the decision to rest in God’s perfect love. On my journey, fear does not get to win.
What are you afraid of? Perhaps God’s waiting for you to turn it over to Him.
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